OCD, When it first cropped up.

I noticed the first signs of O.C.D. (for those of you who are not familiar with the term, it stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) cropping up after I had my first son (back in 1991). I started to compulsively wash my hands. I had seen a show on, yes, Oprah about O.C.D and I’ll never forget the moment it occurred to me as I stood hovering the sink washing my hands for the ump-teenth time that THIS WAS indeed becoming some type bizarre ritual for me. Shoot, my hands were starting to crack from being washed so often. I then, forbid myself to “over wash” my hands because I didn’t want to wind up on the Oprah Show as her next freakish guest.   I am grateful to that show because otherwise, I would never had known I was doing something out of the norm.

Then it took a turn for the worse, consuming my mind and making me miserable and anxious (especially at night making it difficult, if not impossible) to fall asleep. Here’s just one example. Let’s say the husband and I took our son on a hiking trip.  Oh, it was a beautiful sunny day.  Some areas were high, and we came upon several cliffs.  I had an eagle eye on my son, there was never danger involved.  However, that night as I lay in bed… my body was just starting to relax, my mind wandered, and BAM!  I would envision us at the top of this cliff and my son would toddle off the end, falling to his death!  My heart would freeze and I’d literally jump up from my rest!  WTH?  Just as I would lay there and reassure myself that my son was safely sleeping in his crib and all was ok, the next horrific scene would pop into my head and cause greater anxiety!

Then came the cleaning. It had to be done. And, not just a quick “once over”. No, I had to thoroughly clean every nook and cranny. This was quickly beginning to wear me out and make me feel rather incompetent. Because not only was I a new bride and mother with all that entailed, I began on a journey of something that could never be accomplished; pure perfection!  Cleaning had to be done my way or the highway! I even use to clean at my sisters house when I’d go over there for a visit (nearly every day). Even taking off her plastic shower curtain liner and putting it in her washing machine before scouring her bathroom.

It got to the point where she said one day, “You know, you don’t have to come over and clean, you could just come over and visit” and I was like, “Huh?” I wasn’t doing it for her (Silly Billy!). I was doing it for me. For my peace of mind! I guess in my mind, it was some fantasy, when I came to her house, it was a hot mess, but when I left it was gleaming! So, in my mind, it would stay that way? Hmph!

I couldn’t even leave my house before it was spotless. Even just to go to the grocery store because if I shopped and came home, and things were messy that might send me over the edge? Holy cow, was the world going to come to an end?

These days, my OCD has tamed down a lot. I take meds for depression and anxiety and it must helps with the anxiety ridden thoughts associated with OCD too. Now, I just catch myself doing these quirky little things that seem harmless; I really just try to keep them in check. I allow myself just a few. My husband doesn’t even know this but…

I’ve already told you about the nick in the elevator wall at work that I have to touch when the elevator begins to move, about the obsession I have with the cruise control button in my car, but I thought about one more that I have never told to a soul, until now.

Again, this is one that I do at work. When walking down the quiet halls in the wee hours of the night; when I pass this certain hall intersection, a type of alarm sounds – I keep walking, only, this time I walk a bit faster and try to get to the next hallway “intersection” without taking a breath because it would be bad luck…. OMG, I cannot believe I wrote this down. It’s so childish, it’s almost like while walking with my siblings or friends as a child someone would say, “Step on a crack you break your mama’s back!” — it’s exactly the same thing. Only, I’m not a kid, and I know I cannot have bad luck from taking a breath while this little alarm buzzes. I literally have to MOVE f-a-s-t before I take a breath and take a step over onto the next hallway for safe passage.

I’m a freak, don’t ‘cha just love it? What about you? What form is your OCD taking these days?