I’ve spent several months enjoying the fact that I’m not exercising. When I’m not in exercise mode, there’s one less thing to obsess about. But it’s getting close to the time when I need to start again, and when that happens, things get ugly. It starts out with a leisurely 30 minute walk – not too fast, gotta work the muscles slowly ya know, so they don’t get too sore and I don’t end up screwing with my knee and my foot. After a week of this, I notice that I’ve started timing stuff. Did I do a mile in at least 15 minutes? Did I start exactly at 3:45 and end exactly at 4:15? Now let’s add some weight work after the 30 minute walk. Did I do every rep perfectly? Arms and abs on Tuesday. Legs on Thursday. Fridays off. No variations are allowed. Pretty soon I’m up to a 45 minute walk every day (3 miles, no more no less) and ending at 4:30 sharp. When I start adding some jogging during my walk, I get even more obsessive. Did I add 10 more minutes of running per session each each week? Is my knee OK? When the knee gets really sore I can’t run, then I obsess over the fact I’m not doing what I’m “supposed” to do. The inevitible disappointment and anxiety sets in.
Then there’s the record-keeping. Spreadsheets and graphs to keep, with steady progress noted. Since I’m bound to be trying to lose weight too, there has to be calorie and fat counts every day and measurements taken every week. Again, steady progress shown on the graph means I’m a success. Any plateau or backsliding means failure and causes anxiety and depression.
This is not the way I want my life to be. I’ve tried to take a much more holistic and less obsessive approach to exercise, but I can’t seem to help ritualizing everything. Ken doesn’t treat his exercise this way – he gets his workout done and if it’s not a good one, he just tries again the next day. It doesn’t faze him, he accepts it. If he misses his workout time, he just does it at another time. ANOTHER TIME. I don’t know how he does it. If I don’t adhere to my schedule, the whole rest of the day gets thrown off.
After about 4 months of this regimen, I’m exhausted and frazzled. I throw in the towel and spend my time after work reading a book instead of exercising, and feeling much more relaxed and content. My weight is regained and my muscles go slack. I think about how I should be exercising, but I know what will happen…
How frustrating. It sounds like you know what you have to do (to be healthy, to work out, and it sounds like you kick ass and take numbers too)- then, it overwhelms you. I can so relate to micro-managing everything and it gets ruined…. BUT, I have been pondering starting to work out too – I have never done THAT good working out ever; you have a lot to be proud of!!! I WISH I could get something going as good as that routine. I am going to try this week! I need to get moving. So, even though you are frustrated, just your words made me see what I’ve needed to – I gotta get going…… Are you ready to get going again? Let’s do it together
I’m thinking (thinking only, mind you) of MAYBE starting back again next week. Oh, I just dread the thought. I’l let you know if I decide to actually DO IT. (Just do it – not a slogan I’m fond of. Oh my).
Comment by Bella — August 30, 2007 @ 6:49 am
well i have to say i prefer to GO out as opposed to WORK out, but i do hear what you’re saying…it’s quite disturbing when you have a schedule in place and then something comes along to throw it off, be it working out or going shopping…
reading a book is excercise sweetie…it’s just your brain getting the work out is all
Yeah, I like the concept of the brain getting a workout, not my thighs. Much easier!
Comment by anonymum — August 30, 2007 @ 8:43 am
It’s all understandable, Ms.OB, it really is. I wish I had that sort of willpower to actually exercise for a long period of time per day. Yeah, cleaning and such is moving, but actual cardio work outs and stuff, I can’t get my ass in gear for that. Kudos to you for doing so.
It’s been such a long time since I’ve done it. I really prefer to think of cleaning the house as actual cardio! We can pretend, can’t we? Maybe what we believe can become our reality? Nah, probably doesn’t actually work that way for exercise…damn.
Comment by Red — August 30, 2007 @ 4:35 pm
i can’t even get that much in! i bought a dvd last year and used it once. then beat myself up for 6 months for not watching it but i just don’t have the will. the counting part is hard and we can’t get over it. i feel your pain. wish i could help on this one but it’s out of my league. good luck though hunny!
I usually end up yelling “fuck you” to the instructor on the video. They hate me, I swear.
Comment by joebec — August 30, 2007 @ 9:20 pm
“Just Do It” – go to my blog and look at my blinkies if you want a chuckle
Oh hell yah, Bella!
Comment by Bella — August 31, 2007 @ 5:10 am
LMFAO @ you yelling at the instructor!!
i yell at the screen too but generally when the footy is on and the fuckwit umpire has made a blinding mistake!! A-pop does it too…it’s universal i think, and as we all know, totally pointless…yet, still we do it!
i’m gonna giggle over this for ages and will probably end up hysterical next time i do it!
Moe, you kill me! I read your sentence to Ken “i yell at the screen too but generally when the footy is on and the fuckwit umpire has made a blinding mistake!!” and he cracked up. Oh you Aussies! I absolutely LOVE IT.
Comment by anonymum — September 1, 2007 @ 12:16 am
we tend to say it as we see it i admit…it’s like a spade…it’s NOT a horticultural implement, it’s something you fucking dig with!!…no point in flowering it up i don’t think…doesn’t matter how big the words are, the meaning is the same is it not?
Comment by anonymum — September 1, 2007 @ 1:53 am
I live with OCD and am a clinician. As a patient and a provider I think exercise is great. I have dealt with similar struggles; starting out great, but then cucumming to all the obsessions that can come along with managing your own routine. However, over the past 2 years I have found a system that allows me to maintain a consistent exercise regiment with minimum symptoms: gym classes. I can walk in the door and completely let go. I don’t have to time myself, count reps, or keep pushing beyond a reasonable limit. I can decide what kind and how many classes I want to take, walk in the door and let the instructor take over. It has really been a great alternative to the on again off again roller-coaster of fitness with OCD. It has been a great outlet for energy that I would otherwise put into compulsions as well.
Comment by Lisa — June 1, 2008 @ 2:11 am