I have to say, i’ve been pondering doing this post on my own blog for a while, but just cannot. I am a nervous wreck even posting it here.
I feel like i’m sitting here naked for the world to see, and to know. It’s taking every ounce of courage I can muster to even tell you what i’m about to tell you.
I can’t tell you when it started, I was very small. I know, that to date, it’s my biggest compulsion. I never talk about it. I’ve never said it out loud, til now.
Oh my god, my stomach is actually queasy. *deep breath* here goes.
Some people have the compulsive tendencies like washing their hands or checking locks/keys. I talked before about how I can put my keys in my purse and immediately check to see if they are there. The whole time in my head going “gee dummy, you KNOW you just dropped them in there, where the fuck they gonna go?”
But compulsion is a main component in OCD, as we all know.
My biggest compulsion (I feel like i’m gonna get kicked out of the cool club right now, I swear to God)
I feel really embarrassed. I cannot believe i’m gonna tell you, but I have to. I feel ashamed of it and I shouldn’t. This blog, and the people in it are all open and honest, and I know it hasn’t been easy for any of you. You are all so brave, and now I’m gonna be brave too.
I smell my hands…..constantly.
There, I said it. *peeking through hands over eyes*
I’m still alive. *huge breath out*
I don’t know why I do it. But I have done it forever. And, no matter how I try, I can’t stop. My mom used to scream at me. “Quit sniffing your goddamn hands! Go fucking wash them for christsakes!” But it’s not because they smell bad, or good, or like anything for that matter. I just honestly cannot stop myself from doing it. It got to where if my mom caught me doing it, she would hit me across my fingers with a ruler or worse, a belt. She would make me put them out and she would smack them. I was ashamed. Something was wrong with me. So I got real good at hiding it. I’m still ashamed, and I still hide it. I think some of my closest friends may have caught on, but they don’t say anything. Bless their hearts. It’s easy to mask. Much easier than you might think.
I feel like going back and deleting everything I just wrote. Like you are all gonna hate me now. I guess that sounds crazy, but hey, that’s conditioning for ya.
My son does it. That’s what even brought this post to life. My son is a smeller. Not just his hands though. He smells his first bite of food, his clothes before he puts them on, and his shoes. He’s always smelling his shoes. I tell him that might not be the greatest, being he’s in sports and his shoes stink pretty fucking bad most of the time.
When he first started, he was pretty little. 3 or 4 I think. I remember seeing him and being just mortified. “Oh God, he’s like me” I thought. “He’s gonna feel ashamed like I do.” So, I asked him, once after I saw him do it.
“you got something on your hands? do you want to wash them?”
“no,” he said, ” I just like to see how they smell.”
“why?” I asked.
“don’t know, just do.” he replied.
I’ve never said another word about it. I worry that someone will tease him over it, but I think he’s gotten clever about it like I have.
I’m not sure how I feel telling you this, but at least I have finally told someone. And if you let me stay in the cool club, I’d certainly appreciate it.